Guilt and Gifts
Kellin Scott | April 28, 2025Many of us have been told that we have to keep items that were made for us or gifted to us. The issue is that over a lifetime, the average person receives a lot of items from others. If we keep every item that we’ve ever gotten for Christmas, we might end up with a house full of stuff we’ve outgrown or simply don’t like. Everyone deserves to be in an environment that brings happiness!
Grandma says get rid of it!
Guilt, the feeling that one has done something wrong, can really creep up on a person going through their items. It can feel like you are betraying a loved one if you throw out a shirt they gave you or a scarf they knitted for you. It can even feel like getting rid of an item means saying goodbye to the memories of that person entirely. However, a decent person would not want the receiver to keep a gift if doing so results in unpleasant emotions! Furthermore, it is unlikely that the giver of an unwanted item will ask you about the item in the future, unless the item is abnormally large or otherwise extravagant. If you have a gifted item that you adore, great! It is still unlikely that the giver will talk about it unless you bring it up first. For argument’s sake, let’s say that the giver of an item is upset that you no longer have something they gave you; your emotional well-being in your own home outweighs their feelings about an object. It is possible to appreciate the thought and love that was put into a gift without keeping it in your space. You are allowed to get rid of things that don’t bring you happiness (or practicality). Grandma knew the hat she made when you were a baby would be too small someday - it wasn’t meant to live with you forever.
How do we stop ending up with things we don’t want? Ask for something else.
Some of the best gift-related advice I’ve ever gotten came from my dad. We were talking about what to get for someone we weren’t super close with, but where the social expectation was to give them something. He said the best thing to do when someone asks you what you’d like for an event is to give them a short list of small things you will actually enjoy and use. Even one or two items will suffice! People think it is polite to say “you don’t have to get me anything,” but usually they will receive gifts anyway. To still be polite about it, you can say “you don’t need to get me anything, but I have been going through a lot of thriller novels recently!” Giving people a short list (or at least a category) will increase the chance that you receive something you will truly love. These don’t need to be traditional gifts, either! You could ask for flour, plant fertilizer, or toilet paper - if you talk about them with enough passion, your loved ones might buy you a year’s supply!
You truly don’t want any physical gifts? Okay!
If you really do not want people to get you tangible items, that is totally fine! But as we mentioned earlier, they will get you something anyway if you say “don’t get me anything.” In lieu of items, you can request experiences, gift cards, or financial contributions to upcoming events. You will likely have to communicate fairly assertively to ensure nobody gets you any physical items: “this year I am cutting down on physical stuff. For [holiday], I ask that any gifts be experience-based. I have been loving this spa and I have been wanting to try [restaurant, activity, class].” You could even ask for subscription-based services like a gym membership, meal delivery, or house cleaning. To encourage more experience-based gift-giving in the future, let the givers know how much you loved doing the activities or how great the gym is.
Give good gifts.
This is subjective of course. Finding gifts for people you are close to is often easier than finding gifts for those you don’t know very well. Luckily, there are a few ways to figure out what gifts people would enjoy and use.
Plan A: Ask the person directly what they want for the upcoming holiday; stick to their requests! If they say “nothing,” put on your detective disguise and go to Plan B.
Plan B: Find out about experiences the person would enjoy. You can do this directly by asking if there are any classes, restaurants, activities, services they would like to try. If they give you an answer, give them a gift card and/or the necessary equipment/supplies. If they do not give you a direct answer or you want to be more secretive, keep an ear out for things they need or issues they are having. Are their summer shoes falling apart? Get a shoe store gift card (or new shoes, if you are confident you know what they like). Are their tires on the verge of giving up? Offer to purchase new ones. Do they hate cooking but want to eat more than fast food every night? Pay for a few months of meal delivery service! If you are friends on social media, you can see if they’ve posted about any favorite hobbies, foods or stores and start with those hints. You can also give your time and energy; a “coupon book” full of chores and tasks you are willing to do for someone can be a great gift.
Plan C: Vague gifts. These are things that essentially anyone can use. Although these gifts tend to be less personal, there is value in everyday needs. Toilet paper, paper towels, laundry detergent, olive oil, nice cleaning products, pet supplies, and hand soap can make great gifts. Anything that can make someone’s shopping list shorter is typically appreciated and used!